I wrote this a while ago, it was for a website promoting awareness. It will always be a part of me suppose, I'll never forget, the 2nd one inparticular was very painful. Now I have my daughter too, as well as my son, but this was written yonks ago, in 2005 I think.
Wrote this for a website - Beware some bits contain 'too much information'
Miscarriage is underestimated in lots of ways. It is hard to describe the millions of emotions you experience after going through one and that is not just for the woman, it can be a very strange and difficult time for the father too, where in a lot of cases the father needs to provide valuable strength for their partner and find themselves unable to take that important time to grieve.
If you are are unfortunate enough to experience a miscarriage it is almost like joining a secret club, you will find a lot of people you know have had one, even family members, it makes you feel less alone and you have some people to talk to. I discovered that my Grandmother and Aunt had experienced miscarriages after my second one.
As mentioned I have had two miscarriages, both before twelve weeks but for some reason one was just much worse than the other. Probably due to the extreme circumstances at the time.
My first miscarriage was at just seven weeks, I was only seventeen at the time, I had just got married and quit college, I didn't really know much about pregnancy and everything else just over shadowed it, naturally I was upset but I hadn't really had enough time to embrace what would have been, and at that time I was not ready to bring another human being into the world.
My second miscarriage was completely different, I believed I was ten weeks pregnant, I was excited, my husband and I had been married for two years, we were both in proper jobs, we have just bought a house together. It just felt right to be pregnant, I was desperate to be a mother. I got a positive pregnancy test just a couple of weeks after being mugged, it gave me faith in life again. I started to bleed just after ten weeks and after much calling around and contemplation I went to the hospital they scanned me and said that the baby was only around six weeks and showing no heartbeat. I knew what to expect from then, I was 100% positive of my dates, as my the first day of my last period had been Christmas Eve, I remember it clearly even now. The night after the rather devastating scan I went home and in the middle of the night I woke up in absolutely agony, up to that date I had never experienced pain like it, it was just getting worse and worse, eventually my husband had to drive me into hospital, but the time I got there I was bleeding very heavily and passing huge clots. One of the clots I passed was the size of a tennis ball I just remember thinking 'That was my baby'. I was given some morphine for the pain, and I cried myself to sleep.
The days after than were long and depressing, I had to get my husband to call everyone and tell them because I just couldn't face it. I felt like a failure, I felt it was my fault, all totally natural feelings. Now I know that it wasn't my fault it was just natures way of saying 'It wasn't meant to be' and I respect that, despite how hard it is.
No-one knows what to say to you, I think it is harder than when a family member dies because at least you have memories, with a miscarriage you have nothing.
Since my last miscarriage in March 2004 I have had a successful pregnancy and finally got my little boy, my pregnancy was difficult, every day I was terrified of what could happen, I actually enjoyed being sick because it meant that everything was OK in there. I thank my lucky stars for my son every day, he is a miracle to me and he always will be.
I just wanted to give people hope, if you are reading this I suspect you or someone you know has had a miscarriage, it never goes away but it does get easier and just because you have miscarried once does not mean it will happen again.
