I have decided to Donate Eggs

04:27 Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
This is neither about modelling nor motherhood to be honest, but is a big big decision for me. It will involve a lot of personal inconvenience and discomfort for myself for something that might not even work, it might not result in a child for anyone

I just can't imagine my life without my children, as crazy hard work as it is, I mean I remember times when Ian was working away for 4-5 months where I really felt that I couldn't cope, I just wanted to run away. Laurence was 2 and a half and Violet was about 9 months old. I remember the miscarriages, and all the trying (have you seen Maybe Baby?). But I feel like that's all done for me now. My husband has had the snip and I don't feel (at the moment anyway) that I want anymore children. I am not sure I could put myself through pregnancy and the first 3 months of shock and tiredness.

So does that mean therefore I have to endure another 30 years of menstruation for no reason? I can't really take any form of contraception. Personally I think it looks a bit suss going on the pill/depo when my husband has been snipped. Egg donation is one of the ways I can use my fertility and not go through the pains, the temper and the disgusting for no reason.

I tend not to let my brain go as far as thinking of someone else having a child from my eggs. As far as I am concerned if they have left my body they are no longer mine, just like any other secretions. I don't really concern myself imagining people walking around with my donated blood glugging inside them.

I have just filled out the forms and stuff but will have to wait until Violet, my 2yr 7month old to decide she no longer needs breastfed! I should probably be embarrassed really, but knowing that I'm not having any more babies wants me to preserve their baby ways for as long as possible. She only feeds at night now anyway.

The kids were well worth all the stress we had to get them and all the work they have been since they have arrived. I was never a family orientated person until I had them. My family dumped on me way too many times, I was just a bargaining tool used for money or an inconvenience when both my parents were busy. I adore and love every bone in my kids' bodies. All I want is to do a better job than my parents did.




30th! Mixed Emotion Day!

12:05 Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
30th of September is a weird day for me personally. It is a big Yay! day in a massive way because it is my friends' anniversary. Ellen and Nick are super important to my, I remember their wedding day so well. I was Maid of Honour just as Ellz was for mine. Their wedding was fab, full of prettiness and fabulous people. I was also about 14 weeks pregnant at the time, it was just a really nice day at a really fabulous time of my life. Everything was good then. We lived out on a farm in a place called Harlow Hill, we had a gorgeous teeny cottage full of character.


However my friends may remember that in 2004 I found out I was pregnant in January, the circumstances around it were pretty terrible, surrounded by questions and a pile of crazy. This baby would have been due on the 30th of September. I had a miscarriage in the February and also got sacked. So the 30th of September is a day absolutely filled with memories, some good some bad.

I am in no way fishing for sympathy by the way! I am strong lady and have coped with everything thrown my way so far.

Miscarriage Blog

23:28 Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I wrote this a while ago, it was for a website promoting awareness. It will always be a part of me suppose, I'll never forget, the 2nd one inparticular was very painful. Now I have my daughter too, as well as my son, but this was written yonks ago, in 2005 I think.

Wrote this for a website - Beware some bits contain 'too much information'

Miscarriage is underestimated in lots of ways. It is hard to describe the millions of emotions you experience after going through one and that is not just for the woman, it can be a very strange and difficult time for the father too, where in a lot of cases the father needs to provide valuable strength for their partner and find themselves unable to take that important time to grieve.

If you are are unfortunate enough to experience a miscarriage it is almost like joining a secret club, you will find a lot of people you know have had one, even family members, it makes you feel less alone and you have some people to talk to. I discovered that my Grandmother and Aunt had experienced miscarriages after my second one.

As mentioned I have had two miscarriages, both before twelve weeks but for some reason one was just much worse than the other. Probably due to the extreme circumstances at the time.

My first miscarriage was at just seven weeks, I was only seventeen at the time, I had just got married and quit college, I didn't really know much about pregnancy and everything else just over shadowed it, naturally I was upset but I hadn't really had enough time to embrace what would have been, and at that time I was not ready to bring another human being into the world.

My second miscarriage was completely different, I believed I was ten weeks pregnant, I was excited, my husband and I had been married for two years, we were both in proper jobs, we have just bought a house together. It just felt right to be pregnant, I was desperate to be a mother. I got a positive pregnancy test just a couple of weeks after being mugged, it gave me faith in life again. I started to bleed just after ten weeks and after much calling around and contemplation I went to the hospital they scanned me and said that the baby was only around six weeks and showing no heartbeat. I knew what to expect from then, I was 100% positive of my dates, as my the first day of my last period had been Christmas Eve, I remember it clearly even now. The night after the rather devastating scan I went home and in the middle of the night I woke up in absolutely agony, up to that date I had never experienced pain like it, it was just getting worse and worse, eventually my husband had to drive me into hospital, but the time I got there I was bleeding very heavily and passing huge clots. One of the clots I passed was the size of a tennis ball I just remember thinking 'That was my baby'. I was given some morphine for the pain, and I cried myself to sleep.

The days after than were long and depressing, I had to get my husband to call everyone and tell them because I just couldn't face it. I felt like a failure, I felt it was my fault, all totally natural feelings. Now I know that it wasn't my fault it was just natures way of saying 'It wasn't meant to be' and I respect that, despite how hard it is.

No-one knows what to say to you, I think it is harder than when a family member dies because at least you have memories, with a miscarriage you have nothing.

Since my last miscarriage in March 2004 I have had a successful pregnancy and finally got my little boy, my pregnancy was difficult, every day I was terrified of what could happen, I actually enjoyed being sick because it meant that everything was OK in there. I thank my lucky stars for my son every day, he is a miracle to me and he always will be.

I just wanted to give people hope, if you are reading this I suspect you or someone you know has had a miscarriage, it never goes away but it does get easier and just because you have miscarried once does not mean it will happen again.


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