Ramblings of a Model, Mother and Outspoken Weirdo

Been having a bit of an identity crisis lately, been killing my hair, putting holes in my face, getting ink. Since my boyfriend left, I've been a big depressed lump, I've lost a bit of weight my face has changed. I don't like who I am and don't see any worth in anything I do anymore. I had to stop doing my OU degree because I just can't concentrate on anything the way I used to. My brain is utterly fried by 2010/2011.

I think another reason I have been changing my appearance so much it give people something else something else to ask about apart from my relationship, because essentially nothing has changed for 7 months, I was miserable in August and I am still miserable now. Friends tend to dislike when friends are sad and the easiest solution would be to end it. Question is, Is loving someone enough reason to put myself through this? Well apparently it is. I have other various influences that are currently putting more weight on me at the moment. Sort of lost the ability to cope and even the things that were good, are less good now.

Here are the three me's of the last few months.

Just ready for some good luck now, fed up of crying everyday, fed up of not liking myself and tired from not sleeping on eating. I'm running out of hope and all the stuff I had planned for my future just doesn't seem achievable at the moment. I don't want sympathy, this is my mess and I have to trust there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

Still have performances and shoots to blog. been so rubbish, but I like to document stuff I do so I can look back on in and remember which order stuff happened in.

Images taken by
Nicholas Gray
Richard Shepherd
Jonathan Keys

So I said I'd do a shoot for a latex company called Catalyst Latex and I have to say it was just amazing and I got so excited about their products. It was like a box of joy when their stuff arrived no thanks to City Link. I was actually with the MUA when the box of clothing arrived and my boyfriend had to text me pictures of the items so I could work out which make up would work best.

Then we hit spanking new Mayfield Studio in Newcastle-upon-Tyne city centre, as long as you want plain backgrounds this is the studio for you, people are lovely, nice dressing room facilities, just all good. I had shot there previously with Sam Corban and had really enjoyed that shoot too.

From the moment we arrived there it just went really well, I got through the images really quickly and we got some really good cataloguey type images that, in my opinion, sell the items really well. I also think as I am their sample size that is a really healthy message, as I am a 10-12, not really a fan of ribs in latex anyway personally.

Here are some of my fave images from this shoot and you can buy this lot from Catalysts Etsy store. Was devastated when I posted the stuff back.

Photography by Nicholas Gray
MUA - Alex Pretswell
Clothing - Catalyst Latex

Last month I did a wedding shoot with the lovely Jaye from Tux and Tales Photography, she was looking for models to pose as couples and I kinda emailed and suggested it might be an interesting idea to shoot a more 'Alternative' couple. She agreed so I went on a hunt for a male model who look liked the kind of guy a purple haired recently latex clad Dee La Beau would go for and I found just the fella on Model Mayhem his name is Peter Stanton.

I borrowed one of the gals dresses if I am honest it isn't something I would of chosen myself, I don't plan to wear white nor a dress if I remarry. Next time it will be the intimate affair I wanted last time before it spiraled out of control. I also had a purple and orange bouquet that I thought was cute. I'm not gonna tell you what I want because on the geeks will be impressed. I have no plans to be Leia nor Padme though. I'd also like to be proposed to in a very Saw-esque fashion involving a wolf but I won't bore you with that.

The shoot took place in York and a park just outside of York. Quite a few people thought we were genuinely getting hitched! It is really had to mock intimacy of a wedding day, or even of being in love, I was really lucky with Pete though we were able to have a laugh and it didn't at any point feel uncomfortable.

I am so proud of the images from this shoot, and I have to admit when I received the disc last week it made me cry, probably for a mixture of reasons. Here are my favourite images from this shoot.

Eek can't believe I am blogging a shoot from March, I need to get my tushie into gear so much to share/bore you with.

Rolled up to Studio 5000 which recently was robbed which is a shame, I hate to hear of people and places I like being crimed on.

I loved this shoot, it was quite literally with some of my favourite people, people who made my 2010 bearable! Sadly Debs had to bail at the last minute because she was poorly but despite that the shoot went pretty well and no-one was standing around bored.

I got to work with two of my favourite photographers my loverman Nicholas Gray and tip top down to earth mate Shepy. The models were newly branded Havannah Wildtime, Jason McCullagh and a lovely girly I met at a group shoot Victoria Price.

The staff at the studio are always very helpful and this shoot was no exception.

I was lucking enough to get pictures taken with each of the other models and I'm gonna share 'em with you now!

Me and Havannah both had clownesque costumes, mine was a Harley Quinn costume as it's known I am a bit of a geekette who likes to dress up it's logical I'd be a lady villan at some point.


Me and Vicky did a sterotypical girly pillow fight shot. It's really hard to get the balance right between looking attractive for the camera and actually having a pop at your opponent.

Lastly one of Nick's best mates Jason. He is just an awesome fella, few people make me laugh the way Jason does. Its a relenless barrage of comedy which leaves you sitting in a puddle of wee. He is a professional model and just a class person to spend time with. I kinda had an image in mind for this, this is almost it but me and Jason were laughing so much that we weren't fully committed to the task in hand.

So just before my birthday (like I said I am way behind with my blogs) on the way down to Nick's I did a shoot on film with one of my favourite togs Jonathan Keys. It was very overcast, the rain was on and off it wasn't really ideal conditions for a location shoot. Also it was in the city centre so there were quite a few people interested in what we were doing.

I wasn't dress spectacularly, I have a cute faux vintage dress from Next with a 60's feel and my cute little T.U.K heels on. I decided on black and white because the images were going to be B&W anyway, me having bright purple hair didn't make the slightest bit of difference.

This is my first shoot on film, it's weird because you need to make sure pose and balance etc is spot on, you can't just delete the crappy ones, so I kinda felt the pressure to be spot on and also not take the risks with random poses like I normally do. Here is my favourite image and my boyfriend's favourite image from the set.

Me and Nick have discussed a few times the whole digital vs film thing. I think digital has devalued the art to some extent, we're in an age where anyone can call themselves a photographer by buying a spandangly camera and putting it on to auto focus, never understanding the settings just clicking, hoping the best and deleting the crap. I have worked with plenty of people like this. When I tell people I am shooting with my boyfriend I make a point of informing them he is qualified not just a guy with a camera who takes pics of me being provocative in the kitchen.

My performance on Friday went insanely well I will blog it when I get some images from my lovely friend Lisa. Next on the cards for me is a shoot with Mr James Thorpe next weekend and performing at The Blue Room Burlesque, really excited about it, feeling the pressure of needing to do a serious, classical act, I'm not a very graceful girl. Not swan like, more like a really fat goat.

So this is now the title of my Katy Perry act, shame as I had SO much fun getting it sorted, doing my costume, buying props, getting my poster printed (by epic Dave Dent) designed by my partner Nicholas Gray and image taken by Sam Corban. I am quite proud of it and I have to admit to having a 23x23 inch print of myself on my wall just because I got a spare.



So I finally got to perform this at Dixie's Dollshouse on St Patricks Day, I had had a shoot earlier in the day, so I kept my make up on, I'd met my mate for tea and I was feeling nervous but confident nonetheless. I got up on stage and done the first verse and chorus of my act absolutely fine until I took of my first bra (yes, this act has two) and both my nipple tassels both fell off. I still had 3 mins of the track to go but I just continued, trying to make up and keep my boobs covered at all times. I think about 30% didn't notice and 70% saw my nipples. Bad times!

I am performing this again on Friday at The Shadow Gallery in Sunderland this Friday the 8th of April. Along with a mega cheesy 80's act. I am trying to fashion myself a mullet.

I am so far behind on my blogs its silly, but by the same token I don't want to flood people with my rambling on.

As you know I dyed my hair blue recently, I am now a purple which seems to take better to my hair. I am not natural nor 'vintage' friendly anymore. I sort of feeling I have received a bit of snobbery from some people I used to gabber on with about vintageness, in fact one person seems to be completely ignoring me since I dyed my hair which is utterly pathetic.

I have done quite a few shoots lately because obviously I am no longer a brunette which sort of means my portfolio is out of date. I can't sell myself as the short, curvy girl next door now, I am short, and curvy with violet locks, essentially the only box you can put me in is Alt.

The only gig you can normally get with rad hair colour that involves vaguely vintage shaped items is latex and sadly I think I am too chubby, bumpy, short and long in the tooth for that now. So I am basically doing what I have always done but with an Alt twist.

I did this shoot in the woods in Gainsborough with photographer Nicholas Gray, in a 50's nightie I bought from the Exquisite Bones etsy store. I was aiming for a mental patient that was lost in the woods and I think it really works.


Another example of this is the shoot I did with another one of my favourite photographers, Jonathan Keys, at Newcastle Civic Centre at night time, when I wore my repro vintage blouse by Able Grable.
Sometimes all components of a styling for a shoot can be from different eras and you can put them together and they just work in the correct setting.

I am hopefully having an Alt Wedding shoot at the weekend with a male model, first time I have ever did a shoot with a bloke and next week I will be preparing to perform at the Sunderland Shadow Gallery, with some of my favourite lasses. Also started working on a double act with my friend and talented burlesque artist, Daisy Stays.