Ramblings of a Model, Mother and Outspoken Weirdo

Been having a bit of an identity crisis lately, been killing my hair, putting holes in my face, getting ink. Since my boyfriend left, I've been a big depressed lump, I've lost a bit of weight my face has changed. I don't like who I am and don't see any worth in anything I do anymore. I had to stop doing my OU degree because I just can't concentrate on anything the way I used to. My brain is utterly fried by 2010/2011.

I think another reason I have been changing my appearance so much it give people something else something else to ask about apart from my relationship, because essentially nothing has changed for 7 months, I was miserable in August and I am still miserable now. Friends tend to dislike when friends are sad and the easiest solution would be to end it. Question is, Is loving someone enough reason to put myself through this? Well apparently it is. I have other various influences that are currently putting more weight on me at the moment. Sort of lost the ability to cope and even the things that were good, are less good now.

Here are the three me's of the last few months.

Just ready for some good luck now, fed up of crying everyday, fed up of not liking myself and tired from not sleeping on eating. I'm running out of hope and all the stuff I had planned for my future just doesn't seem achievable at the moment. I don't want sympathy, this is my mess and I have to trust there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

Still have performances and shoots to blog. been so rubbish, but I like to document stuff I do so I can look back on in and remember which order stuff happened in.

Images taken by
Nicholas Gray
Richard Shepherd
Jonathan Keys

Every now and again I end up doing a shoot that is an absolute waste of time, I did one of these a couple of weeks ago with a photographer I met on Purestorm. I had loads of luggage and we didn't get to shoot long but I am kinda pleased about it, the guy rolled up with ancient equipment and at one point I even had to hold the reflector. Was really really bad craic.

I can't use any of the images, I will make myself look rubbish by posting a couple on my blog though. In most of the pics I have a 'What the hell are you doing?' expression on, it's not amongst my best modelling it has to be said.

Also waiting for images from a photographer from Darlington from a shoot in January, if he doesn't remove his finger from his rectum I am going to edit my feedback and give him some that reflects what a lazy liar he is.

It's my birthday next week, I shall be the ripe old age of 25, this year has to be better than last year. Still all heartbroken just a different kind. Anyway if y'all want to have a birthday bevvy with me I'd love to see you at Dixie's Dollhouse on the 17th. Not got much planned for my actual birthday, get to wake up with my fella, then I'm coming home to make a birthday tea for me and my babies and watch a movie together. Naturally we will be doing the whole melting chocolate, dipping a marshmallow in and sitting a smartie on top, it's the best bit :)

Just before Valentine's day I had a shoot with my fella, Nicholas Gray, it was just a quick two hour shoot at Studio 5000, I took far too much stuff as usual but we managed to get some good shots. I wore my hair straight because that's how he prefers me. I didn't really set out to get anything specific when I was there, just really wanted to use the bathroom set they have down there. I love how mucky and grungy it is.

Last time Nick was up we had a fab time, its generally most comfortable when we are at mine because we have a whole flats worth of space and we can make as much (ah-hem) noise as we like and have our own lounge space even though its not particularly comfortable. Also went to town before the shoot grabbed a burger and mooched to the Side Gallery and Baltic, stuff we generally do each time he is up.

Been cracking through long distance for almost 6 months now, complete hell, totally understand why they rarely work out. If I wasn't so stubborn and doubtful I could feel this way about anyone else, or find someone who just fits the way he does I would quit. I just have this feeling in my heart and guts that it is going to work out and I have to turn my patience up a notch and think positively. I really want to get his NG watermark tattooed on my wrist but he is making me wait until a more sensible juncture in our relationship, spoilsport.

Here are a couple of my favourite images from our shoot. We also did some implied nude but in my favourite shot you can see my cha-cha. Whoops.

Me and Mr Beau are very cute together, so much so in fact that I am gonna post a pic of us looking cute together! :)

So I spent a night in York last weekend, with my lovely lovely potential in laws and boyfriend. Was nice, its odd that I find it easier to get on with Nick's family than I do with my own. Don't really know what my family's beef is to be honest, whatever I do simply isn't good enough so I've given up trying to impress them I am just going to make me happy. I don't want sympathy, I know I am not the only person in the universe who has a grievance with their family, mine is so large just disappointing not one of them gives a monkeys. I feel welcome with Nick's peeps and it's nice, most of his friends pretty goddamn lovely to me too.

On the way back from York I did a shoot with Jonathan Keys, my third shoot with his fella. Really enjoy working with him we have a laugh and it's all very comfortable and laid back. I have been wanting to shoot at Newcastle Civic Centre for ages, I actually done a mini one with the kids and photographer Mandy Charlton about 3 weeks back and this encouraged me more to go forth with the fashion shoot.

The civic centre is lit up sort of blueish at night and I thought it would work really well with my hair. Here are a couple of images the first one I am presuming is my boyfriends favourite as he's liked/faved it on both my Flickr and Facebook. Ooh I am also wearing a delightful Scarlet Street Blouse from Able Grable (of which I have 4), in this shot! Was quite nice to wear a repro vintage piece and put it in a completely non vintage setting.

My dear friend Miss Matilda also used one of my images on her Etsy shop, from my shoot with Mark Pinder wearing my Miss Lola Burns frock and it sold within I a couple of house. The dress is now discontinued but if you wanted one I am sure Able Grable could rustle you up something similar.


Finished my bra for my Katy Perry shoot on the 9th, was going to be this morning but didn't happen, shame because I would of quite liked a print for a stage prop but it will probably be pushing it for time.

Now actually waiting for images from 5 photographers, normally I dislike the wait but I think it's also kinda cool because by the time you get to see the pictures you've sort of forgotten the shoot itself so the images are a surprise and it brings the memories back.

I did a shoot with a fella in Darlington, but word on the street is that he takes a few months to return the images. Been there before though, I waited for about 4 months for some bridal images and got them back unedited. Get to learn valuable lessons about who is worth working with and who talks out of their arse. I am pleased that I can now interact with local models and burlesquey types to find out what people are like.

Here are a couple of images from the group shoot. One from Mr Shepy and one from delightful Miss Deborah Sanders.

Nothing really new going on, I have bored you already about my burlesque performances. Me and Nick are the same, just waiting for 'luck' to do it's thing and end this crappiness. I haven't been sleeping and that makes me a very very moody cow. Noticed how fake my smiles are on my shoots over the last few month, Dee La Faux. Anyway, I have a bra to customize for my Katy Perry tribute shoot. Tatty bye.

Well I didn't blog in December much did I? I always seemed busy but didn't really achieve much, this shall probably also be the theme of 2011, I'm waiting. Waiting for Nick to get a job, waiting for my youngest to start school, I am looking forward to a time when I am in control of my own destiny. I am not unreasonable, I just want the simple things but to obtain them I have to be patient and that isn't really my strong point.

2010 brought me lots of problems but with it a lot of love and a lot of happiness, towards the back end of the year I had it all crash down and I'm trying to build myself back up. I had my confidence knocked and for a moment I forgot who I was. I blame myself a lot, and feel I am not not good enough and I need to snap out of it. Since then I have been experiencing panic attacks, and downward spirals of negativity and I hate it.

On to good things! I have a boyfriend who I adore, I have two amazing kids who make me smile and feel so lucky everyday, I have made loads of friends this year, I am a more free and independent person than I have ever been. I just get on with it because I have to. My family have been absolutely useless and zero support and I don't have any problem saying that where they might find it. The short of it is 2011 cannot be worse than 2010. Need not worry about what I have lost, focus on what I have learned.

Have a shoot booked tomorrow, and one with the kids on Sunday with lovely lady called Mandy Charlton, really excited about doing a shoot with the kids! I also have burlesque bookings as late as August it's quite nice to be in demand. I am also waiting for images from a shoot I did on Christmas Eve

2011 is the year I am going to dedicate to my children, my relationship and working out what I want to do with my life. It's going to be full of love and new experiences.

Getting all excited for my next performance which will be Gully Sutherland's Emporium of Extraordinary Entertainment - Victorian Winter Wonderland Variety Performance. I will be performing the act I last blogged and a brand spanking new act called 'Winter Wonderland' which I recorded my own version of the song for, with the help of Mr Mark Pinder who also took me some festive piccies. It was really nice to do something different like that, I haven't sang in years and it used to be a really good way for me to get my 'Meh' out, I am always pottering round my kitchen and singing my ass off.

I am a little bit concerned about my costume not arriving in time for this performance on the 29th, I am expecting some flipping amazing hot pants from the states and they are probably not going to get here *sad face*. It should be a great night with a mixture of things, not just burlesque if you are able to and want to have a warm up for New Years, you should come along! I am also excited because a lot of the people performing and attending are some of the most amazing friends that I have made in 2010, I am lucky to have them in my life!

Feels like a million years since I last blogged. This blog is mostly about my performance on Saturday the 11th of December in Darlington at a 1940's/Swing themed night called Candlelit Cabaret in aid of Help for Heroes.

It was just a generally lovely evening, I met some amazing talented people the atmosphere was so nice and I felt welcome, everyone made an effort to talk to me, have several new facebook friend's now and I would love to get invited to perform there again. I also got to meet the delicious Darkteaser a personal burlesque idol of mine, she is absolutely stunning in person, I am going to be performing at her charity event in March.

My act was using a song from South Pacific (one of my favourite musicals, the title of my blog seems relevant and is also a lyric from another South Pacific song called Happy Talk). I recently filled out a form for a huge burlesque even and I had to say my main inspiration was musical theatre and from being an operatic society in my early teens. The song I use for this act is 'I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair' and I got to wear my gorgeous Revamp sailor outfit which is normally hanging up unloved and unused in my wardrobe! I also wore a What Katie Did Bikini, normally their stuff is absolutely ace but I have to say this particular bikini is neither nowt nor something, I don't think the top could be any more wrong than it is. Sadly I don't think I am going to have the time or money to replace it before I perform this act again. I did get some absolutely awesome pasties from The Libertarian. Images taken by my delicious lump of man stuff Nicholas Gray.


Christmas is just round the corner, I am actually completely sorted apart from like two things which I am going to pick up on Christmas Eve. I am looking forward to seeing how excited the kids get next week, it's going to be a mental build up of hyper whilst they aren't at school. Not going to see my boyfriend until NYE now, 3 weeks without him is virtually unbearable I have had to do it before turns me into an emo subhuman freak. I know I could end it but essentially I am stubborn and don't want to and love triumphs over logic every time.

Towards the middle of last month I had a trip down to London, not much fun doing the train journey from Newcastle to London and back on your own in a day. The trip had a purpose I was heading down to Erotica to spend the day with my friend Dave. This was before the utterly crappy snow started. I got down about 11:30 I am not a massive fan of London, I enjoy the slow paced 'tomorrow will do' attitude of the North East, if that makes me lazy so be it.

Went to a pub so cheap it could challenge a Wetherspoon's, although the veggie burgers (which is my regular at Spoons even though I am not a vegetarian) were better at this random pub.

Went into Erotica done a walk around a couple of times, seeing some of the amazing Maya Hansen and Velda Lauder corsets that I normally only get to dream of online in the flesh was amazing! If I had been a woman of means I would have severely dented my bank balance. I was sort of interested in the kink but the classier stuff was really my reason for going. There was a great stand that did amazing leather steampunky corsets too, absolutely amazing.

Speaking of classy, I went to see my friend Nicole, boss of The Hourglass and all round stunner who offered to do my hair for me. One of my photos were on The Hourglass display, this one in fact. Just FYI I am trying to sell my Neon Corset as it is now massive, it's the Danielle corset by Madame Le Strange, the bra too if anyone is interested. I would have loved it for a costume but I have lost a few inches and it doesn't do me any favours anymore.

Nicole mentioned that the Kiss Me Deadly stand was understaffed and asked if I fancied working over there for a few hours! I did and I had such fun, selling pretty things to pretty people made a Ms La Beau very happy. I also got work in my supercute KMD Vargas Dress which I already had on in accidental preparation, best work uniform ever. I had an amazing time and cannot recommend their products highly enough! If you're a girly girl you must check out their new Candy Box range its limited edition and to DIE for! Here is me 'working'!

In case you are unaware there has been some snow, meant I couldn't get to see the Mr at the weekend, I have been very very very hormonal all sorts going around me at the moment and I am not even donating eggs yet. I get to see him soon it's the stupid simple stuff I miss so much. Ended up having a pretty good weekend anyway, was a hell of a lot better than sitting at home watching Dating in the Dark repeats on my own.

I will be doing my pointless poetic Christmas list again like I did last year! The main thing I want is Lotsa from Toy Story 3 but I am reckoning the kids would totally pinch it!

The title of my blog is a bit on an in joke between me and my boyfriend which is fine because this blog is all about him...well us.

So he is a photographer type which kinda results in us very rarely having any pictures of us together. I think before I put the images on Facebook yesterday there were only 25 pictures of us together, which is pretty sad considering we have been together for almost 8 months.

We did a shoot last week together at Bolbec Hall with John, the same fella who did my yellow dress, corset, window shots. I feel very comfortable in that studio it doesn't have the weird sort of clinical you're being watched vibe I get at other ones. Just thought I would share with you my favourite and Nick's favourite. I think they document our love quite well, we are atypical, kooky and non standard it's one of the things I love the most about us.

So last week I had a shoot with a fella called John who has a studio space in Bolbec Hall in Newcastle City Centre. I took way too much stuff and only ended up doing three outfits but I had a fab time at the shoot and got some images that weren't pin up nor particularly fashiony, a bit more arty and surreal that I am usually used to. I love them though, probably one of the most enjoyable shoots I have done in a long time. I was there yesterday with my boyfriend yesterday having some images of us taken together. I will probably be blogging them next week!

I wore my delicious Able Grable Ready Hedy (again!) bloody love this frock to bit, probably my favourite item in my wardrobe. I also wore a vintage wedding frock I got from a vintage fair about 2 months ago and my Maya Hansen corset with half a cheesy 80's wedding dress which I mixed with some lace from a damaged wedding dress to make a purple skirt.

I was supposed to perform tonight but I can't because the weather has prevented travel which has prevented childcare. Gutted as I was so very excited about my act for this evening. I am very much enjoying a weekend with my boyfriend Nick, I still find it really hard when him and the kids share the same space, I'd imagine he probably does too. I genuinely hope this is something I only have to do once. Hoping the weather is cleared for my next burly performance which is the 11th of December - Candlelit Cabaret in Darlington and also my driving test on the 15th of December.

I have a weird love/hate relationship with my home, it's the right sort of size for me and the kiddywinks. Nice high ceilings, inoffensive carpet, (half) double glazed, recently installed kitchen and bathroom. Like me it is far from perfect, the floor bounces, it doesn't retain heat it's on a main road and my bedroom is teeny tiny. The floor is so bouncy that I can't have the washing machine on when I have dishes on the draining board. It does sort of feel like home, I have never felt at home anywhere, never really felt settled, which is why every six months I get this toe curling desire to leave or move start again. For the moment it's home, the kids like it and it's close to their school.

Anyway I did a shoot in my place and it came out a bit like this..

Also saw my boyfriend for a few days was all very pleasant, meant to do a shoot together but got cancelled due to weather, we don't get many pictures of us together which is darn shame because we so rarely get to see each other putting pictures up all over my dumbass flat is the main way I can keep focused on what is worthwhile in the relationship when I find it pretty difficult a lot of the time. Nick took some class photos of squiggles (aka squirrels) and also this funky image of me walking through a tunnel.

I also adore this abstracty piece by my babe called Alpha's Light, I won't explain the reason behind the title it's probably better to remain a mystery, definitely one of my favourite images by Nick. It makes me smile and gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy. You should also swing by his blog and follow his ramblings too.

So I know I have shared some images from a shoot I did last month with a photographer in Sunderland, I am not going to name him now or anything. I signed a model release form basically saying he could do anything he wanted with the images, post them anywhere, they were his yadda yadda, yadda.

I received the first to images from him the one I posted in my last blog, they were pretty nice, obviously he'd done a bit of work on me which is cool, I don't have particularly good skin and one of the images was meant to be a homage to Elvgren.

I have also received other images such as this one which I really like.

I am a size 10/12 lady, I am comfortable with that, I have grown to accept most of my body for what it is I am reasonably confident and pretty happy. I have a man who loves me and I don't even think it is my appearance he is particularly attracted to anyway. I was very disappointed to receive the image below. I don't look like me, I look about 3 stone lighter and apart from that I look sort of hideous. I was a smidge on the offended side, it's not like I said "Oi mate I carry a bit of weight on my arms could you make me a bit slimmer" he made the decision to lob the weight off me. I don't look like me, I barely look human, it looks like a genetic mistake. I will also add the guy was lovely and I was at ease shooting with him, it's not like the shoot wasn't a pleasant experience because when I was there it was great, productive and comfortable.

I know I previously said I like working with my boyfriend because he captures the essence of Dani, I can't expect all photographers to do this but what I can expect is for them to leave a bit of me in there or what is the point. I can't use this image it's useless to me, all I can do is stipulate in the future that I don't want to be turned into some lollipop head.

Got back from Nick's today not going to see him for over two weeks now, which is uber sucky, we'll deal though we always do. We seem to spend our lives arranging to visit each other, or talking about/ complaining about public transport. Here's me and Nick at a train station, I kinda feel that this era of our relationship will have a nickname in the future. I am trying really hard not to think that far ahead. but it's hard when all you see is essentially fog. Oh well Amor Vincit Omnia! I know it will all come good in the end, with my iguana, red kitchen and Baltic inspired floor.

..by that I mean my burlesque cherry of course!

Firstly I had a wonderful weekend, my boyfriend came up and between him and my best friend they made me feel tonnes better about getting my kit off in public. Firstly thank you muchly to those two! Also thank you to the lovely Carole, Sharon, Lisa and Nicky who came along too, was nice to have my homedudes there for me.

The theme of the evening was Horror Movies, and I chose to do Rocky Horror, most people know it and if I was absolutely crap at least the audience could drown themselves in a familier soundtrack. I was being Janet although I did consider being FrankNFurter!

Here are some pics of me doing my thing, shot by delicious lump of lover Nicholas Gray (who also gifted me with my eyelashes don't you know!) :) Here is my gorgeous Able Grable Boudoir Kitten in Black and Wink ;)

As it stands my next performance is the 19th of November but I am trying to sort out one before that. Nothing much in pipeline apart from vintage bridal shoot with lanky studmuffin Jason McCullagh who just happens to by my Nick's bestest bud!

So I have been doing pin up modelling for a while now and next Friday I will be doing my first little bit of burlesque. I am an intense mixture of terrified and excited. I will the performing at The Shadow Gallery Burlesque Show, The Hive, Sunderland. Plenty of other sexy ladies there also! Check them out and hunt them down on Facebook.

I won't reveal too much info about my act but my costume feature bits from Able Grable, Violaceous Latex, Adora Belle Pasties and Stockings and Romance. It's a gorgeous mixture of black and pink, I am yet to try it all on together but I am very excited.

A few of my mateys will be dressed up and there to cheer me on! I am hoping my boyfriend may be there for to give me a hug if I trip, fall or fail! :D

Had a shoot with local Sunderland photographer David Evans recently, who informed me how tartan my accent is. I do have a weird voice although hopefully none of you will ever get to hear me speak I may lose a few fans. In the following image I am wearing all Stockings and Romance undies, you should check them out, you can purchase S&R from one of my favourite lingerie emporiums Joanna's Wardrobe. A new version of the Pin Up Girdle I am wearing has been released and it is amazing, I much prefer it to the one I own. Humf!

Had a lovely couple of days with my boyfriend, just got his birthday pressies :D getting my arse into gear for a week of normality with extra boobies and recovering from my nightmare journey home yesterday! Hoping to see y'all in Sunderland! If not I am going to have to force someone to take some photos.

So no real news from Casa La Beau! Don't have any shoots set in stone, was meant to have one next weekend but have had to cancel there are two local togs who I have been trying to sort shoots with for months but our schedules never have a mutual window. I will though, preferably studio work now on the grounds that I apparently never wear trousers and it's freezing outside.

I am waiting for images from a couple of shoots though and I kinda like that. Also at the end of the day if I can get to spend time with my boyfriend that is more important than being shot! I do want to get some pics taken in my burlesque costume so I will need to set that up, and me and my Mr are wanting to do a shoot together, I had wanted to do it before Halloween but it doesn't look like that is going to happen now, nevermind it will still be a larf!

I got some Bridal shoot images from my shoot back in May with Christeeny, I have decided I make a rubbish bride and would rather be a Ninja. For peeps visiting my blog from places far away, this is my hometown it's bridgey and the sky is regularly morbid.

.......a 21st Century love story brought to you by Myspace and Facebook....

A couple of weekends ago me and my loverman, Nicholas Gray attended SuperGay 2010, I had an amazing time, firstly it was kinda nice to watch Nick shooting an event the only other time I have done it was at a burlesque evening and I was the ragged side of tipsy. Supergay was an great experience of colour, soooo bad it was good music and it just had a really fab atmosphere. I really hope I am able to attend next year, you can check out Nick's images of this event on his Flickr. Oooh in fact while you are there have a goosey at his Tattoo Jam pics and see if you can spot divine model Loula Cherry!

If you have a minute you should check out the Gallery of all the images from the Daisy Stays group shoot which took place in County Durham mid August shot by Richard Shepherd. It had been planned months in advance and there had been a lot of expectation on the day. I had to get up really early to get the metro from Sunderland up to Sharon's place to get all dolled up!

I got to rock two items of delight! One black and white underbust corset and an Oriental styley one which I am in love with and very keen to use for another shoot. I am currently customizing my black corset for my burlesque debut in Sunderland on the 15th of October, shall bore you with the details in a later blog! :)

There was some also quality candid shots taken on the day! Gonna show some love for my homegirl Ellen, one where I am doing some amateur MUAing on her purdy face and another when it looks kinda like I am bumming her! Couldn't have got through 2010 without her, she had administered both hugs and slaps when I have needed them.

I have that vintage shoot tomorrow going to have a practice with my hair today and then I get to visit the the love of my life on Friday, everything is tickety boo.